Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.” In the moment the two can feel almost identical, but they come from very different places, and they lead us in very different directions.
The Difference Between Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame are hardly discernible based on physiological markers, but they are very different in terms of their origins. Guilt is produced when we feel bad about something we did, or did not do. Shame is produced when we feel bad about who we are: our worth, our character, our abilities or disabilities.
I first heard it put this way on Two Guys on Your Head , a psychology podcast from KUT, almost à la Car Talk, but without the heavy, infectious laughter.
Say you forget a close friend’s birthday.
Guilt sounds like: “I forgot her birthday, and I feel bad about it.”
Shame sounds like: “I’m a terrible friend. No one should count on me.”
Guilt
Focuses on what I did or didn’t do
Says, “I made a mistake.”
Leads to apology, repair and learning
Shame
Focuses on who I am
Says, “I am a mistake.”
Leads to hiding, defending and withdrawing
Why Shame Hits So Hard
I often speak with clients about shame and how it is the all-time worst-offending emotion that crosses our threshold. We tend to defend intensely when affronted by shame, whether through blame, emotional implosion, addictive consumption, self-harm, or rage.
Shame also grows in secrecy. Because it tells us something is wrong with who we are, we hide it, and hiding feeds it. Saying it out loud to someone safe is often the first thing that loosens its grip.
Guilt Has a Fix
Guilt, while physiologically essentially the same, does not produce such extreme reactions. Guilt is focused on the something-I-did-or-didn’t-do, and therefore inherently has a fix. If I did or didn’t do something, I can get a do-over, give an apology, offer a substitute, and generally learn from the experience or make things better. If the only difference between these two is the way we are viewing the situation, we can practice taking a different perspective.
How to Turn Shame into Guilt
The next time you feel ashamed:
Notice it. Notice what inherent thing-that-is-wrong-with-you your mind is focused on.
Step back. Run around to the other side.
Find the action. What is the thing you did or didn’t do that you feel bad about?
Choose a response. Consider three ways you might counteract it: taking another action, making a heartfelt apology, or resolving to learn.
Do one of them with self-compassion, affirming all the while that you are human, and therefore imperfect like the rest of us primates.
Where Shame Shows Up
Shame rarely announces itself. More often it hides inside other struggles:
Perfectionism, when any mistake feels like proof you’re not enough
People-pleasing, when someone else’s disappointment feels unbearable
Parenting, where “mom guilt” is often shame in disguise, along with the fear of not being a good enough parent
Work, where imposter syndrome tells capable leaders they’re frauds
Grief, where we carry the things we wish we had said or done
Frequently Asked Questions
Is guilt a healthy emotion?
In proportion, yes. Guilt points to your values and moves you toward repair. It becomes a problem when it’s out of proportion to what happened, or when it doesn’t ease after you’ve made amends.
Can shame ever be helpful?
Shame can signal that we care how others see us, but it rarely helps us change. Because it attacks who we are rather than what we did, it tends to lead to hiding and defending rather than repair.
How does therapy help with shame?
Therapy gives you a safe place to say out loud what shame tells you to keep hidden. A therapist can help you trace where the shame began, notice the story it tells about you, and practice responding with self-compassion and repair instead.
Let’s Talk
Of course you feel bad sometimes! You are on this planet, walking on two legs with a limbic brain, aren’t you? If you continue to feel overwhelmed by these emotions, remember there is help out there. Jill Hokanson, LCSW-S, works with clients on shame, perfectionism and people-pleasing. The therapists of the Counseling Austin Collective are here to support you through to resolution.
